I struggle with being married every day. Most days I can smile my way through. Many days, I find myself filled with anxiety.
I know God loves me.
I know God isn’t mad at me.
But, what about the person who lies beside me at night?
I glance at his eyes to see what kind of mood he’s in that day. Are his eyes dark with anger or bright with joy?
I’ve learned to dance around it.
Some days I dance slowly as to not make too much of a ruckus.
Other days I am able to let my spirit fly. But, much of this comes from the many years prior that were filled with things that I do not like to think about.
God has performed a miracle in my life. In our life. But, at first it was hard to accept it because so many changes needed to be made that would take years to achieve. My heart was filled with anger and with fear.
I remember backing out of my driveway after leaving feeling upset. I heard God tell me to pray for my own heart.
I was too focused on changing his heart. But, that wasn’t my job.
My heart had become hard.
I built a brick wall around it. I did not let much in anymore because I have been hurt too many times before and I was scared. I was never physically hurt but bruises from emotional hurt are easy to hide.
God wanted me to soften my heart. But that meant feeling. I had grown numb. It was easier to feel nothing at all.
I found myself taking a sigh of relief when I knew he would be gone for the day. I learned my opinion didn’t matter so I shared the one that would be easiest without a fight; even if I didn’t mean it.
But God didn’t want this for me. I wasn’t living my best. I was not honest to him, myself, or God.
I started to learn about the importance of praying FOR my husband; not ABOUT him.
I tell you there was a time that I refused to do that because I felt it was worthless. But it’s not!
I’ve learned to ask friends to pray. I’ve seen the difference of a man who left mad but came home happy and somehow with a filled heart. What a relief to have a happy husband come home! I can only attribute that to God’s work.
Please remember…this is not a genie in the bottle type of a solution. It takes time and all parties to be involved. There are also times when God lays a path for you to get out of a situation because sometimes there is wisdom in that. Stay prayerful!
Take it to God and leave it there. This takes the responsibility off you.
Let God do the work. He is capable. He understands how you are feeling. Remember, God is a gentleman and has blessed us with freewill. Rest in him and give yourself time to meditate on the Word and finding the peace within yourself.
We tend to think we are hiding our stitches that are keeping us altogether. But one little snag and it all lets go for everyone to see.
Now that things have eased up a bit, I’m finding out that he can see the seam that those stitches create. The image I try to portray is not as flat as I’d like it to be anyway.
Marriage is hard.
Marriage is a lot of work.
Marriage teaches you everything about grace and mercy.
Remember,.. God loves your husband as much as He loves you. He sees beyond his faults just as he sees beyond your faults. Ask God to show you what he did right today. Ask God to show you what He sees.
I will be honest that this is not easy to write. Part of me wants to cringe as I think about everything, we’ve been through…both together and separately. Part of me thinks about friends and family who have chosen that it’s best to separate and go their different paths. Put God in the center of the equation. Let prayer be the thread that knits you back together if that is the road that will be taken.
I pray that you help me to be a praying wife. I pray that you fill my husband’s heart with your joy. Help me to see him as you do. I forgive my husband for the hurt he has caused in the past. I ask for forgiveness for all of the pain I have caused him and for my wrong doings. I thank you for the healing in each of us that you alone can do. I thank you for being the perfect example of how a groom and his wife should be.
A Praying Wife
Please note: This is one woman’s story. Perhaps you’ve done everything possible to save your marriage and you need to walk away. While it breaks God’s heart to see His children go through divorce, the Bible clearly states that divorce is acceptable in certain circumstances. If you are in a volatile relationship, please seek outside help and ensure your safety. If your husband is unrepentant about extra marital relationships or destructive behaviors, please seek godly counsel. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. 717-387-2403 or email@example.com.
Free resources from Christian counselor, Leslie Vernick HERE. Leslie’s highly recommended book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is available HERE.