Perfectionism

I struggle with something called perfectionism. It basically means that I am so overwhelmed by the idea that something won't be perfect that I quit or don’t try at all. This happens subconsciously, so it's difficult to work on.

Lately, I've realized that perfectionism is why I struggle in conversations. During conversations, I often get something similar to stage fright. I go to talk to someone, and I just freeze. I want to say something, but what I wanted to say just vanishes from my mind, and I can't even get out one simple word. I have found scripts useful in most everyday conversations with doctors, bank tellers, checkout clerks, etc. But they don't work in relationships. The more I value the relationship, the more I freeze up or panic during conversations

Recently, I went to apologize to someone. I approached, surveyed the environment, and started to question whether I'd chosen the right time and place. I froze before I even started talking, but I kept going and shared what I wanted until I froze mid-conversation. The conversation went completely off topic, and I didn’t share the heart of what I wanted to.

Thankfully, this person was gracious, patient, and kept talking. She asked the right questions, and I was able to share most of what I needed to say.

Later that same day, I was at a ladies' meeting. I couldn’t figure out how to start a conversation or interact with anyone there. I'd enjoyed this group of ladies before. It wasn’t a problem with them. It was a problem for me.

As an adult with autism, I know some of this is expected; but that this was exceeding my normal boundaries. This wasn’t an autism issue. This was a value issue. Even though I know my value, I was still struggling to truly believe it.

John 8:2-12 tells the account of a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. She was far from perfect, and she was put in front of someone who was completely perfect ― Jesus. Everyone around her not only talked badly about her, but they condemned her to the point that she was to be stoned to death.

What did Jesus say? He said, “He who is without sin among you, let them throw the stone at her first.” All of her accusers were convicted by their consciences and left her. No one threw a stone. They knew that they did not qualify.

But you know who did qualify? Jesus. He was the perfect, sinless lamb of God who had every right to throw a stone; and He chose not to. Instead of throwing a stone at her, He said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” After talking with her, He spoke to the crowd around them, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness but have the light of life.” Instead of picking up a stone He offered her grace, mercy, and freedom. Not freedom to do whatever she would like, but freedom to walk out of darkness and into His light.

He offers us that same freedom. We don’t need to be perfect. We don’t need to get it right all the time. We simply need to choose to walk in His light that He so freely gives to us. We can practically apply this to our lives by:

• Not “throwing stones” at others. Offer grace, compassion, and gentle guidance to others instead of gossip, harsh criticism, or judgment.
• Not “throwing stones” at ourselves. Instead of expecting perfection from ourselves, understand that we will all fall sometimes. Instead of being overly critical of ourselves, look for the areas that we need to work on and seek to improve.

Dear God, Help us seek You daily for guidance and lean on You for the strength and power to do so, instead of relying on our own wisdom and understanding. Help us see other people and ourselves the way YOU do. Amen

As we go into this holiday season, be mindful of how you are judging others and yourself. The placemats, table centerpieces, or even the yearly family traditions may not meet your expectations or those of the people around you. That’s ok. Don’t strive for perfection instead strive for finding Jesus in the middle of it all. Strive for living in His light. That’s where you will find the true joy and peace during the holidays.

 

Tabytha Wynn

Tabytha Wynn is a busy mom who’s conquering life on the Autism spectrum with a house full of kids who are Autistic. She is a wife, mom, author, and a speaker and at a local celebrate recovery program.